I feel like I'm losing you every time I love you.

I don't feel like myself anymore.

I feel like I'm drowning, unable to breathe.

Is it too late to jump off a bridge?

Every time I say "I love you"

I get the feeling that I'm that much closer to losing you.

I have no past

or at least, nothing that I would like to remember.

I have no future,

or at least, nothing that I am looking forward to.

I have no present,

or at least, nothing preventing me from just dying.

nothing except you.

and yet, whenever i say you mean everything to me,

i really mean it. 

and yet, you'll never know what it means, 

everytime i say it.

forever, and always.

Hey you,

Not sure who are "you" supposed to be, but I have some confessions to make. I'm feeling lonely again and I'm not sure what I am supposed to do. Those feelings that haunt me, I thought I'm over them. I thought I'm happy. 

But you know, maybe deep down I know, I don't deserve to be happy. My loneliness, sadness, depression.. I might be overthinking things, but at the same time, I have no one to tell and let out my sorrows. I want to just hug someone and bawl my eyes out, but I have no one to do so.

I'm married. I'm happy. I should be. But I don't deserve any of this. I tried opening up once. It caused more grief and sadness to everyone I love, more than it made my feelings better. It is not worth it. 

Sometimes, I just want to stop feeling. I just want to release everything I held back... But I know I can't do it. I am just hurting everyone around me.

Sometimes I just pray, for everyone's happiness, as well as for me to just leave.. Stuck by lightning, hit by a car, get cancer. As long as it can make sure that no one will blame themselves. 

These thoughts, they never really go away. The thoughts of death. No matter when I'm happy or in pain, it just sits behind the back of my head, reminding me constantly.

I guess I'll just hold on longer. And if I don't, this will probably be my final letter to "you", whoever you may be.

I think i'm pretty close to pulling the trigger. 

Just waiting for something to push me over the edge.

让人让够了。

 death is probably the only release

In the end. There is no give and take. There will be a majority only taking and some poor bloke stuck giving. This happens every where. 

 死掉就好。

Re-watching 1N2D S3 reminds me of why I have such fondness for this show. Especially for KJH.

This show carried me through one of the roughest times of my life.

This is also why KJH's passing was so hard for me till this day.

It was them that carried me through my depression phase.

It was this laughter and ridiculousness that reminds me that life does not have to be so grim.

And yet such a person passed so early.

Life is never fair. This is one of those times that I truly feel so. 

感觉好像什么都没变过。

还是一样的觉得，

消失最好。

死了更好。

If I had one wish, it would be something that I have decided a long time ago.

It would be something that I have longed, but yet lack the decisiveness to pull it off.

It would be something so taboo that no one speaks about it.

It would be something so simple that everyone will face it sooner or later,

but yet I would prefer to get over it as soon as possible.

It would be as simple as death itself.

新的一年。

又是时候从新评估自己的存在价值。