Every time I say "I love you"

I get the feeling that I'm that much closer to losing you.

I have no past

or at least, nothing that I would like to remember.

I have no future,

or at least, nothing that I am looking forward to.

I have no present,

or at least, nothing preventing me from just dying.

nothing except you.

and yet, whenever i say you mean everything to me,

i really mean it. 

and yet, you'll never know what it means, 

everytime i say it.

forever, and always.

Hey you,

Not sure who are "you" supposed to be, but I have some confessions to make. I'm feeling lonely again and I'm not sure what I am supposed to do. Those feelings that haunt me, I thought I'm over them. I thought I'm happy. 

But you know, maybe deep down I know, I don't deserve to be happy. My loneliness, sadness, depression.. I might be overthinking things, but at the same time, I have no one to tell and let out my sorrows. I want to just hug someone and bawl my eyes out, but I have no one to do so.

I'm married. I'm happy. I should be. But I don't deserve any of this. I tried opening up once. It caused more grief and sadness to everyone I love, more than it made my feelings better. It is not worth it. 

Sometimes, I just want to stop feeling. I just want to release everything I held back... But I know I can't do it. I am just hurting everyone around me.

Sometimes I just pray, for everyone's happiness, as well as for me to just leave.. Stuck by lightning, hit by a car, get cancer. As long as it can make sure that no one will blame themselves. 

These thoughts, they never really go away. The thoughts of death. No matter when I'm happy or in pain, it just sits behind the back of my head, reminding me constantly.

I guess I'll just hold on longer. And if I don't, this will probably be my final letter to "you", whoever you may be.