Living in constant fear of losing you.
Living in constant fear of giving up.
I can't hold on much longer.
Somebody please save me.

剩下兩個月了

我覺得我生命的結局，
越來越接近了。
遺書寫好了，
自殺方式想好了，
跳的地點也想好了，
還欠什麼嗎？

好久好久以前，
已經學會用笑容來掩飾委屈，
所有的感情都不放在臉上。

如果自殺需要任何的導火線，

我覺得今天，

我的觸點已觸過幾回。

終於回來了，
但卻什麼都沒變。
五年了，還是和狗一樣的對待。
其實已經習慣了。
讓我痛苦的，並不是這件事，
而是你很煩惱，很痛苦，
卻不讓我讓你開心。
你就連我留在這世界上唯一的理由，
都剝奪了。
我並不是氣你，
而是氣我自己我發做得更好。
對不起，不知不覺也只剩下半年了。

but it's too late now

你早就該離開了。

從我做出決定的那一刻，
我就知道這條路不好走。
可是，我重來沒想過我會傷到你這麼深。
對不起。
我能做的，只剩下道歉。
希望你能夠完完全全的忘了我。

if only i could rewind and remove every memory of me.

曾失去過你的我，

很明確的記得這份痛。

because its the only way i know how,
the only way that no one gets hurt.
no one but me.

yes, always.

When I get bigger,
big enough to go somewhere by myself,
I want to go to a land that’s far away.
I want to go to a faraway island.
I want to go to an island that has no people.
I want to go to an island that has no pain or sadness.

On that island,
I can climb a tree when I want to climb,
swim in the sea when I want to swim,
and sleep when I want to sleep.

When I think about the town without me,
The kids will go to school as always,
The adults will go to work as always,
Everyone will live as always.

When I think about the town without me,
I feel a sense of relief.
I want to go far, far away.

- The Town Without Me, Kayo Hinazuki

i can run a millions simulations for our future,

yet every time i think of a future without you,

i'd hit a wall. 

i can never think of a world without you.

but yet, here i am,

thinking about letting go. 

i know you'd get hurt. 

but its only temporary.

with me gone,

gone from your life,

gone from this world,

everything would change for the better. 

i wish none of this would every happen.

i wish i never told you i love you.

i wish you'd never fall in love with me.

i wish you will always be happy, even without me.

its all my fault.
i don't know how long i can keep this up anymore.

i am sorry.

本当にごめんなさい。

到了最關鍵的時刻，
我還是說不出口。

ごめんね、今までありがとう。

對不起

nothing changed.

i am that same suicidal me 10 years ago.

今天，心軟了。
對不起，以後不會了。
好想找個不認識的人，
談心事，要他聽我自相矛盾。
可惜那個人，不能是你。
因為對我很重要，
所以我更需要把你們推得遠遠。

24年，還是一樣。

its not that i dont care,
its because i care that i push everyone away.

a conversation that will never happen.