Probably a metaphor for everything I've learned
Like how the only love I'll have is gonna crash and burn
Or how the poorest I've felt was after the most I've earned
The biggest lie I told is that no one should be concerned

I'm positive now. I hate weddings. I want to feel happy for the couple but I can't bring myself to it. 

I think the problem is me. 

忍还是走？

酗酒寻找解脱

酒解决不了问题

希望的是可以解决掉我

想过离开。

想着离开。

想过离开
以这种方式存在
是因为 那些旁白 那些姿态 那些伤害

  ⠎⠞⠁⠽ ⠁⠇⠊⠧⠑

 time to get a tattoo

'

跳吧。

还是开个无忧无虑的咖啡厅好。

The people once carried me through a rough patch are no longer here.

I'm going through a rough patch but I have no where to turn to... 

Bad habits are all I have left. 

Hi, it's me.

I'm the problem it's me.

Just die.

It's better for everyone.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

每天都过着提心吊胆的生活

I feel like I'm losing you every time I love you.

I don't feel like myself anymore.

I feel like I'm drowning, unable to breathe.

Is it too late to jump off a bridge?

Every time I say "I love you"

I get the feeling that I'm that much closer to losing you.

I have no past

or at least, nothing that I would like to remember.

I have no future,

or at least, nothing that I am looking forward to.

I have no present,

or at least, nothing preventing me from just dying.

nothing except you.

and yet, whenever i say you mean everything to me,

i really mean it. 

and yet, you'll never know what it means, 

everytime i say it.

forever, and always.

Hey you,

Not sure who are "you" supposed to be, but I have some confessions to make. I'm feeling lonely again and I'm not sure what I am supposed to do. Those feelings that haunt me, I thought I'm over them. I thought I'm happy. 

But you know, maybe deep down I know, I don't deserve to be happy. My loneliness, sadness, depression.. I might be overthinking things, but at the same time, I have no one to tell and let out my sorrows. I want to just hug someone and bawl my eyes out, but I have no one to do so.

I'm married. I'm happy. I should be. But I don't deserve any of this. I tried opening up once. It caused more grief and sadness to everyone I love, more than it made my feelings better. It is not worth it. 

Sometimes, I just want to stop feeling. I just want to release everything I held back... But I know I can't do it. I am just hurting everyone around me.

Sometimes I just pray, for everyone's happiness, as well as for me to just leave.. Stuck by lightning, hit by a car, get cancer. As long as it can make sure that no one will blame themselves. 

These thoughts, they never really go away. The thoughts of death. No matter when I'm happy or in pain, it just sits behind the back of my head, reminding me constantly.

I guess I'll just hold on longer. And if I don't, this will probably be my final letter to "you", whoever you may be.

I think i'm pretty close to pulling the trigger. 

Just waiting for something to push me over the edge.

让人让够了。

 death is probably the only release

In the end. There is no give and take. There will be a majority only taking and some poor bloke stuck giving. This happens every where. 

 死掉就好。

Re-watching 1N2D S3 reminds me of why I have such fondness for this show. Especially for KJH.

This show carried me through one of the roughest times of my life.

This is also why KJH's passing was so hard for me till this day.

It was them that carried me through my depression phase.

It was this laughter and ridiculousness that reminds me that life does not have to be so grim.

And yet such a person passed so early.

Life is never fair. This is one of those times that I truly feel so. 

感觉好像什么都没变过。

还是一样的觉得，

消失最好。

死了更好。

If I had one wish, it would be something that I have decided a long time ago.

It would be something that I have longed, but yet lack the decisiveness to pull it off.

It would be something so taboo that no one speaks about it.

It would be something so simple that everyone will face it sooner or later,

but yet I would prefer to get over it as soon as possible.

It would be as simple as death itself.

新的一年。

又是时候从新评估自己的存在价值。

 永远不明白自己存在的意义.

这世界有许多比我有用,比我有贡献,

可是却永远被命运玩弄.

如果可以,把我的命,换别人更好更幸福的人生,

请问我应该在哪儿签名?

7/12/2020 

1/11/2020

30/10/2020

26/10/2020

1/1/2021

23/1/2021

28/1/2021

14/2/2021

1/3/2021

8/9/2021

2/10/2023

6/12/2023

3/2/2024

6/3/2024

24/9/2024

3/12/2024

8/12/2024

30/12/2024

6/1/2025

I got married. 

I feel happy.

But at the same time,

I don't feel like I deserve to be happy.

I feel like I have not yet paid for what I have done.

For leaving you all those years.

For not being there for you when you needed me most.

For being alive.

There's always a voice in my head telling me that I don't deserve any of this.

Maybe I don't really deserve this.

Maybe I should just leave.

最好是有絕症.

有辦法醫也不會.

I never considered myself to be strong willed.

Always putting up a false front to not let anyone else worry.

But yet there are times it just falls off.

There are far too many times that i just cant help it but break down.

There are even more times that i just contemplate killing myself.

I'm not sure how much longer i can keep it up.

False tears can only hurt others. False smiles can only hurt yourself.

藍大方將可以討論叫我決定,可是如果不是他的要求就不給女兒嫁.那叫什麼討論?

Whatever is keeping me sane is also the cause of my pain.
It is also the person I love the most.
I'm torn. What should I do?
Should I just die?
Give up on trying?
Suck it up and live for their sake, without ever being happy?
I don't know dude.
Everything points to the same solution.
"Just jump off a bridge somewhere."

有时我觉得死掉还是最好的

以后说话小心一点。

最好不要说话。

不说话就没机会说错话。

too mentally stable to die,

too mentally unstable to be happy.

what a dilemma

i will never tell anyone ever again.
this is my burden, and only mine to bear.

i want to die, yet i am too afraid.
i want to be saved, yet i don't deserve it.
maybe i should just start smoking, at least i'll die faster.

everytime a tragedy occurs,

someone close to me, or someone unrelated at all,

this damned feeling comes back to haunt me.

"why did that happen to a person who have done so much good to this world, to so many people,

why cant this shit happen to me instead."

they have so much to live for,

and i am just here waiting for everything to be over.

死掉最好

僕が死のうと思ったのは
曾經我也想過一了百了

Maybe it isn't that I want to die.

Maybe I just don't want to exist.

We're in a world full of people, yet I'm feeling so lonely

If only I could tell myself there's plenty fish in the sea

But see the sea if full of sharks, fake guppies and greed

And as I find myself drowning while I'm fighting to breathe

还是死掉算了

如果有一天，

我有了絕症，

我肯定是這世界唯一一個覺得開心的人。

It has been a while since i had this feeling,

or should I say it has been a while since i wrote about this feeling,

this god damn feeling of defeat, helplessness.

I'm not even going to be self conceited and say I have depression cause I know there are others out there that have it worse than me. 

But everyday I'm here thinking do i deserve to stay alive?

愛得不離不捨
和愛得不理不睬
差別好大

那该死的感觉，
有回来了。
可能从来都没提起过，
可是我一直都很明白自己的忧郁和自杀念头是从哪里来。
不是你，而是那该死的无助感。
只是在很巧合的情况下，
你就是我无助感的最大来源。

I should just die

昨晚又哭了。

73617665206d65

Is this the happy ending i dreamt about?
Or is this just another dream, another illusion?
I've am always grateful that you are here with me,
but yet the same problems plagued my mind every day, every minute, every second.
Am i really happy?
Do i deserve to be happy?
Everyday i ask the same questions, and arrive at the same answers.
Am i really happy? Yes
Do i deserve to be happy? No

对不起，总是把烦恼来在你身上。
其实我懂，你对我很好。
我最不能原谅的，只不过是我自己。
不能原谅，当年丢下你不管，
当年你最需要我的时候，我不在。
对不起，我最不应该，在你爸走的时候，
我却什么都做不到，帮不到，不在你身边支持你。

If only you knew.
If only i would make up my mind, and leave for good.
If only i would just drop dead.

是我的錯
是我不好
是我的錯
是我不好

对不起，

可是那不祥的感觉，

又回来了。

对不起。

真的很抱歉。

恐怕有黄牛了。

很想就离开。

Should've stayed. Were there signs I ignored?
Can I help you not to hurt anymore?
We saw brilliance when the world was asleep.
There are things that we can have but can't keep.

If they say,

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker.
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.

The reminders pull the floor from your feet.
In the kitchen one more chair than you need.
Oh.
And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair.
Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

If they say,

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker.
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.
Well, I do.

- One More Light, Linkin Park

Fake tears hurt the ones closest to you,
but fake smiles only hurt yourself.

琪，
无论发生什么是，你只需要知道，
这是我的选择，无论发生什么是，
过了多久，我都依然是爱着你的。
当你遇到一个对你更好的人，
不用想起我。因为，只要是能让你开心的，
我也会开心地接受。

哈哈

對不起。很多東西讓你知道反而只會傷你更深。
這一切的一切，都有我承擔就好。
你好，就好。

I'm going to tell u a secret but just promise me keep it to yourself. Ever since around two years ago I already decided today is going to be my last day. I've thought of everything, how will it end, when will it end, where will it end. It isn't easy up till now. I've written my last words from 2015, and kept it in my mind since then. Yes, I am probably having depression, but I don't need pity or anything. I am thinking very logical and clearly even since back then. Life is just too hard. It might get easier you might say, but will it? How'd you know? People would be sad if I m gone? I honestly doubt it. I won't know till I'm actually gone. Yeah. I'm not sure what  going to do next. I have no plans from this day on. The reason I am telling you is not to burden you, but you are my best and longest friend, probably closer to me than alot of people I've met. If anything happens to me I think you should know first.

好希望能好像戲這樣，
死去的時候，
所有和我有關的記憶，
也會隨著消失。

剩下少過一個月了。
一九九二年二月二十五，
至二零一七年二月二十五。

回到家給父母射，
到女友家被他折磨。
唯一不會痛苦的方法，
就是離開這個世界。

Living in constant fear of losing you.
Living in constant fear of giving up.
I can't hold on much longer.
Somebody please save me.

剩下兩個月了

我覺得我生命的結局，
越來越接近了。
遺書寫好了，
自殺方式想好了，
跳的地點也想好了，
還欠什麼嗎？

好久好久以前，
已經學會用笑容來掩飾委屈，
所有的感情都不放在臉上。

如果自殺需要任何的導火線，

我覺得今天，

我的觸點已觸過幾回。

終於回來了，
但卻什麼都沒變。
五年了，還是和狗一樣的對待。
其實已經習慣了。
讓我痛苦的，並不是這件事，
而是你很煩惱，很痛苦，
卻不讓我讓你開心。
你就連我留在這世界上唯一的理由，
都剝奪了。
我並不是氣你，
而是氣我自己我發做得更好。
對不起，不知不覺也只剩下半年了。

but it's too late now

你早就該離開了。

從我做出決定的那一刻，
我就知道這條路不好走。
可是，我重來沒想過我會傷到你這麼深。
對不起。
我能做的，只剩下道歉。
希望你能夠完完全全的忘了我。

if only i could rewind and remove every memory of me.

曾失去過你的我，

很明確的記得這份痛。

because its the only way i know how,
the only way that no one gets hurt.
no one but me.

yes, always.

When I get bigger,
big enough to go somewhere by myself,
I want to go to a land that’s far away.
I want to go to a faraway island.
I want to go to an island that has no people.
I want to go to an island that has no pain or sadness.

On that island,
I can climb a tree when I want to climb,
swim in the sea when I want to swim,
and sleep when I want to sleep.

When I think about the town without me,
The kids will go to school as always,
The adults will go to work as always,
Everyone will live as always.

When I think about the town without me,
I feel a sense of relief.
I want to go far, far away.

- The Town Without Me, Kayo Hinazuki

i can run a millions simulations for our future,

yet every time i think of a future without you,

i'd hit a wall. 

i can never think of a world without you.

but yet, here i am,

thinking about letting go. 

i know you'd get hurt. 

but its only temporary.

with me gone,

gone from your life,

gone from this world,

everything would change for the better. 

i wish none of this would every happen.

i wish i never told you i love you.

i wish you'd never fall in love with me.

i wish you will always be happy, even without me.

its all my fault.
i don't know how long i can keep this up anymore.

i am sorry.

本当にごめんなさい。

到了最關鍵的時刻，
我還是說不出口。

ごめんね、今までありがとう。

對不起

nothing changed.

i am that same suicidal me 10 years ago.

今天，心軟了。
對不起，以後不會了。
好想找個不認識的人，
談心事，要他聽我自相矛盾。
可惜那個人，不能是你。
因為對我很重要，
所以我更需要把你們推得遠遠。

24年，還是一樣。

its not that i dont care,
its because i care that i push everyone away.