是時候放棄了。

all i have left are memories,
memories that are starting to fade.
soon i will lose everything,
including my memories.

每一天，
都覺得自己好像廢材，
一無所長，
什麼都做不好。

慢慢的，

朋友漸漸地失去聯絡。

漸漸的，

記憶慢慢的變得模糊。

對我而言，

這世界已經漸漸的消失。

再過幾個月，

我就能實現當初我飛來美國的目的，

在全部人的生活裡永遠的消失。

失眠了。

i am broken

‘有人會了解我嗎？’

這是我每一天都在問自己的問題，

答案永遠是‘沒有’。

朋友已經一個一個的離我而去，

生命裡只剩下過去。

記憶慢慢變得模糊，

人也慢慢離得更遠。

一步一步走回原點，
回頭一望，
原來都是一個人。
習慣寂寞，
注定寂寞。

對不起，今天又說了謊。
對不起，又讓你擔心了。
對不起，我今天又哭了。
對不起，真的，很抱歉。

我今天發現，
我已經不是以前那個我。
當聽見你對我訴苦，
我只能硬著頭皮讓你開心，
可是心裡卻很難受。
每天醒來，只想安安穩穩度過每一天，
只希望今天不會再發作，
不會在亂想。
對不起，
可能我們真的是有緣無份，
可能我真的不可能幸福快樂，
可能我真的只能自己一個人。
我已經在慢慢失去身邊的每個人，
這樣下去我真的很怕我也會慢慢的失去你。
曾經，我能很確定的說我能夠想像我們的未來，
可是，最近，我連明天我都不敢期待。

you were all i had.
and yet, here i am again,
alone,
sobbing at my computer screen,
reading through what i have been through.
in the end,
i realize i am back at square one,
i am back with nothing,
back being alone.

在人群中感到寂寞，

無人能理解。

多的是你不知道的事。

i never like to call out other liars,
because deep down i know i am the biggest liar out there.

once you spend your whole life trying to be close but having your feelings trampled over,
you will reach a point where you start to push everything and everyone away.

我從來不會覺得自己很脆弱，
可是這一刻，我覺得自己隨時都會做傻事。

永遠一個人。

rather than a person who hurts others,
i would rather become the person getting hurt.

回頭一望，
原來什麼都沒有。

我現在最需要的是一個離開的理由。
我的人生很痛苦。
恐怕這世界沒有一個人像我這樣希望自己有絕症。

不管自己有多痛苦，
我還是希望你會快樂。
無論自己有多痛苦，
我還是不能讓你知道。
因為，除了這樣，
我已經不會如何去愛。

不會再成為大家的負擔。

Walls built around the heart are not meant to keep people out, but to keep myself in.
I don't deserve happiness.
I don't deserve saving.
What I deserve is to be left alone, forever.

knowing someone's out there reading this,

surprisingly makes me feel more like a failure.

那時的你，
到底怎樣想那時的我？

feeling better today.
but i am still not fine.

我答應自己我以後永遠不會讓我自己的問題煩到大家。
憂鬱是我自己的問題，就讓我自己解決。

原來笑也可以很累。
原來偽裝快樂更累。

在隔壁，卻被當透明，
一點也不好受。

對不起，
我脆弱的一面，
你永遠都看不見。
這些痛，
就讓我默默地承受就夠了。

once you realize this isnt you first suicidal thought,

you realize this problem wasnt sudden at all

video games keep me sane,
and alcohol helps me sleep.

i am a failure.

i am a disappointment.

i fucked up.

i am sorry.

太想捉實你 誰知抓傷你 原來我最怕愛你不起

每晚，我都在自己一個人想，

如果， 有人會在我身旁安慰我，

可能我會比較好受，

可是當我想到，身邊一個人都沒有，

我哭了。

至今，才發現，真正了解我的人，

一個也沒有。

可能是因為到現在，

我還是不敢打開我心裡的這把鎖。

又哭了。

看來我的憂鬱症越來越嚴重。

i think i have depression.

pretty sure.

看來越來越嚴重了。

隱形

還有幾天才二月，
可是那個感覺好像回來了。

我寂寞寂寞就好
這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去 痛到 受不了
想到 快瘋掉
死不了就還好

习惯一个人，
喜欢一个人。

對不起，要不是我當年果斷一些，痛苦的只剩下我一個，也就不會讓你這麼痛苦。

永远不够好。

我只是真心想帮你，
我没有其他意思，
只是在提议一些可能行得通的方式，
可是，
就让你把狗看待，
叫来就来，
叫闭嘴就闭嘴。
我知道你这大女人不需要我的帮忙，
我只是认为身为男朋友，
就要尽最大的努力让女友幸福快乐，
献出我的想法，
难道有错吗？

you will never understand what i have to live through everyday.
i made this choice, and i have to live with the consequences.
you do not get to stab me in the wound and say you understand how it feels to be hurt, to be guilty everyday every night every second.
no one gets to do that but me.

连狗都不如

对不起。

很久，都没有这种感受了。


‘每个人，都在等一个人。’
‘我最大的遗憾，是不能和你一起变老。’

每个人都有过去，
我的过去，却是一片模糊。

everytime i look back,

i realize there is nothing to look back to.

there were people who made me who i am today,

but none of them are in my life anymore.

人生，其实很简单。
复杂的，其实是人。

"我们分手吧。”
这句话，早我脑海里，徘徊了多久。
你知道我有多害怕，
有哪天你决定我不够好，
就这样whatsapp那五个字来吗？
就像六年前那样。
那天的回忆，又重新浮现在我脑海里了。

“以后，你不要问我意见，我也不再问你意见。”
说了这句话，难道，我们还会有以后吗？

“随便”
真的随便吗？
对不起，琪。
我只能说的也只剩下对不起了。

Saying I am sorry doesn't always mean I am wrong,
It can also mean that i cherish our relationship then this stupid argument.

每天求人，
寄人篱下。

关心你， 难道有错吗？
为了你的前途着想，难道有错吗？

“你确定你要这样吗？那么我们永远都不要skype了。”

是我不要吗？
我都说了，你要不要skype是由你决定，
无论如何我都会在这等着你,
永远地爱着你。

“爱一个人就是要包容她的一切。” 难道我对你的包容不够吗？ 你的任性，你的脾气。 不否认我自己也有脾气问题， 可是，你一直把我诋毁， 难道这样你会很开心吗？ 难道我就不是人吗？ 我们说好的，有事请一起面对， 对对方要坦白， 可是你却处处隐瞒， 难道你真的以为我看不出来吗？ 这世界， 如果连你也走了， 那我的世界里， 真的只剩下我一个了。

连只狗都不如。

万一真的有哪一天我受够了，难道这些年的感情，就这样了吗？

就坐在你对面，
却感觉距离很遥远

有时候不是我听不出
而是你永远不给我机会帮你
永远把握推得远远的
这种无能为力
你永远不会明白

说‘我爱你’，其实很简单；

可是想听见‘我爱你’，却一点也不简单。

你永远觉得，我不够爱你。

可是你有真正理解过，

我所经历的一切吗？

为了自己，

所以选择离开；

却为了你，

牺牲想离开一切的梦想，

选择回国。

我真的很爱很爱你。

有事喊。

没事也喊。

干！

简直好像你的佣人，

爱喊就喊，

天生就是来让你喊。

每次我想抒解我的感情，
我真的想不到任何人除了我自己。

好想哭，
就只想大哭一场。

Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith first. The trust part comes later.

有时候，
人就是需要大哭一场。

a break from people.

a break from the world.

Let’s get one thing straight: No one is completely and utterly an introvert. People aren’t either introverts or extroverts; they are a combination of both. However, some people are much more introverted than others. Those who fall on the extreme of the introverted side of the introvert-extrovert spectrum often have habits that vary little from person to person.

We do like to keep to ourselves a lot of the time, but not all of the time. We’re not quite as asocial as most people would have us believe, but there is a good reason it seems that way from the outside. Most of us have friends who are introverts if we aren’t introverts ourselves.

Understanding introversion is important because most of us have the wrong beliefs when it comes to our less-than outgoing friends.

It’s even more important if you, yourself, are introverted because you very well could be missing out while trying to adhere to some unrealistic definition of yourself as a person. Here are a few habits of those we like to call introverts:

1. We like to take walks. Lots and lots of walks.
We are observers by nature – and what better setting to observe than the outdoors as we stroll by? Our setting of choice will vary from individual to individual, some of us liking urban settings while others preferring mother nature as a walking buddy. Walking is probably our favorite activity because it allows us to think without being interrupted, allows us to observe others and the world around us without being questioned, and gives us some exercise. What could be better?

2. We have no problem lying at home, doing nothing but rummaging through our thoughts.
We like to think… a lot. Sure, you can argue that we all think all the time, but we especially like to be conscious of our thoughts. We like to observe them from a third-person perspective, not as ourselves. We like to think about the way we think about things.

3. Books are our poison of choice… but we like movies, too.
We’re huge fans of stories. They allow us to lead lives we would otherwise never be able to live. We can delve into books, movies, or TV marathons of detectives, serial killers, race car drivers, astronauts, zombie hunters, warlocks… We love to use our imaginations, forming a visual only intensifies our experience.

4. We enjoy talking to people, just not as much as most people do.
Believe it or not, we’re not asocial – at least not most of us. However, don’t necessarily expect us to be going around introducing ourselves to everyone. It’s not that we don’t want to meet them, but we’d prefer to observe them first. Then, after observing and judging them, we (more often than not) don’t want to meet them. But that’s the way it goes for most people; we just don’t even bother making the introduction so it’s less awkward when we decide not to continue or start a conversation.

5. Our minds are our playgrounds – sometimes quite literally.
Some call it their mind palace. Some their castle. Mine, personally, is a giant library. Introverts, with enough practice, are especially talented at creating inner worlds for themselves where they can store their memories, experiences and imaginary ponderings. We can spend hours just roaming about thinking things over and running through old experiences.

Some will argue that it’s better to just focus on living in the moment, but the truth is, most moments aren’t worth living. Why not go back and revisit those that are, or create new ones from scratch?

6. We prefer observing over interacting.
We do like to interact, but only with certain people. We are very picky when it comes to a lot of things, especially individuals we interact with. It’s much more fun for us to simply sit or stand on the sideline for a bit and gaze upon the crowd. That way, we take in a bit about each individual without having to make people a part of our lives who we don’t want to make a part of our lives. Even if it’s a very small part, why risk negative impact?

7. We don’t necessarily shy away from all social interaction; we just know when we won’t have fun and decide not to participate.
We like to have fun; we really do. But more often than not, what most people, extroverts especially, consider fun we consider trivial. We just don’t get the excitement that extroverts get out of many experiences and things.

We know ourselves well because we spend so much time conversing with ourselves, and we do our best to avoid experiences we are certain we won’t enjoy. This sometimes leads to us missing experiences we would enjoy… but that’s why introverts do need to leap in from time-to-time to make sure they still understand their preferences; those tend to change and fluctuate over time.

8. We like puzzles.
Sudoku, crosswords, jigsaws, Ikea furniture… you name it, we enjoy it. Most of us are problem solvers by nature and we like a challenge. Video games are always fun, especially RPGs. This is probably the reason we enjoy mystery novels so much.

9. We believe people to be the best of puzzles.
There really is no better puzzle than a human being, which is another reason we like to observe from a distance. Interacting with a person does tell you quite a bit, but because you have to interact, you lose focus on observing. Hence why we often prefer to observe others interacting. This way, we get a lot more information about a person than we would by simply talking to them.

10. We tend to be very picky about our music.
You may think you listen to music, but we really listen to music. We listen to the lyrics and the melody in detail. We often have music playing in our minds, able to play a song from beginning to finish. When you spend more time inside your head than outside, you’d be surprised what you’re capable of.

11. When we like something, we love it; when we don’t like something, we hate it.
Not all of us are so two-optioned, but a good number of us are to call it an associated trait of introverts. Because we dissect just about everything, we end up clearly defining what we do and don’t like. This leads to us fervently disliking something when we find a detail we don’t like, and very much loving the things we find to our liking. Whether this is good or bad is debatable. But this is a quality Steve Jobs was known for… so it can’t be that bad.

12. We don’t keep many friends, but the bonds we do build are stronger than average.
We have a clearer-than-average understanding of what we like, what we don’t like, what is good for us and what we ought to avoid. This also goes for who we ought to avoid. We may get along well with most people, but that doesn’t mean we want them all to be a part of our lives. We can be very defensive about who we let into our circle of trust.

13. We don’t often let people in, but when we do, we open up like a book.
We like to keep private. We observe others so much, we have a clear understanding of the power of knowledge. For this reason, we keep our distance and we like to keep our personal lives to ourselves. However, if we do brand you as friendly, you will get filled in on just about everything – probably more than you want to even know.

14. You know the quiet-on-the-streets-freak-in-the-sheets type?
Yeah, that’s us. While extroverts may be outwardly active, showy, and even wild on the regular, we don’t; we keep all that energy bundled up, only to let loose with those we get close to – especially those we get intimate with. The fact is, we spend a lot more time thinking about what we want to do to you. So when we get a chance to do it, we have a freakishly creative arsenal of goodies to choose from.

15. We often get lost in our thoughts, even when someone is talking directly to us.
If you are having a conversation with an introvert and he or she is staring directly into your eyes, don’t expect that this person is hearing every word you say. An introvert will get the jist of it, but more likely than not, something you said triggered a thought sequence that he or she got taken away by, like a tidal wave.

This person is still there… somewhere, and he or she will come through at some point, but won’t snap out of it until it’s noticed on his or her own. However, this may take longer than you’d think. But you probably won’t ever realize because we’ve become very good at faking it.

有些事情，
不是说放下就可以放下。
看见别人的 happy ending,
心永远都是酸的。
记忆太好，是对我最残忍的诅咒。
好像忘记，可是放不下。
永远都不相信自己，
永远都质疑我们的爱，
永远都乱想。
对不起，
我还是放不下，
我还是不能原谅自己。
对不起琪，对不起。

fuck February.. again

又回到一年前了。 这种狗屁事情，又发生了。 我干！

These emotions, ideas, and thoughts become powerful and real only when you become attached to them. When you are attentive to the moment at hand, that is when all those other things disappears. Your freedom and happiness will be determined by your ability to forgive and your ability to express loving-kindness through every deed and thought. To forgive yourself is perhaps the first step. Be good to yourself.

又是二月了

很想念你。

心酸

i know i shouldn't,

but i'd always think what could have been.

what would happen if i thought we weren't meant to be back then.

what would happen if i just ignored your text.

what would happen if your text was never received.

our choices are what brought us here today, 

but yet i still think about that one decision back then.

is it fair for me to put you through all these wait?

cause right now, this moment i am regretting my decision.

永远寂寞的诅咒，

没有人会比我更明白。

everyday, my heart dies a little.

its that time to avoid human contact again.

The best way to be happy is to be happy alone. Then, company will be a matter of choice, not necessity.

对不起，是我自私。

每当我怕的时候，

总是求你不要走。

虽然我明白，

要你等，要你受苦，

对你是很不公平。

对不起，我骗了你。

对不起，我又哭了。

那该死的感觉,又回来了。
可能我是注定,永远不会幸福快乐。
可能永远都不会有人,
打开我心里这把锁。
可能永远都不会有人了解我。
可能永远都一个人。

好希望有人会在看我的部落格。

变，是人的本性。

那感觉，
又回来了。
心疼，
也随着一起来。

You are free to leave.
Doesn't mean i will stop loving you.

You don't deserve forgiveness.
Not yet.

You can't get away, the past, they will always find a way to catch up to you.

All i see are ghost. 

Everywhere i turn, i see ghosts. 

The ghosts from my past.

有时候，
我要的只是，
一些简单的赞美，
一些普通的关心，
一些公平的对待。

永远不够好。

永远做出牺牲。

永远被误解。

永远没人了解。

永远没人知道我的痛苦。

永远一个人。

永远。

老婆，
对不起。
可能，
你不会成为我的老婆。

可能因为太爱你，
不想失去你，
才想尽办法不让你受伤，留住你。
对不起琪，对不起。

我真的不希望他讲中了。
我爱的是你，
让我最痛苦的，
也是你。

我的理智说你应该离开，
可是我的心说留下来。
这种挣扎，
我真的快受不了。

每个人心里都有一把锁，
锁匙就在自己的手里。
可是我的锁匙，
早就已经不见了。

there are times where it is better to just walk away.
is this one of those times?

我不奢望你原谅我。
因为我不奢望你原谅一个,
就连我自己都不会原谅的人。

"我们能不能只做朋友?"
"能不能说不?"
"对不起..."

这一份对白,
我永远都不会忘记。

我可能,无法在继续爱你。
可能,我不适合再爱你。
对不起

为什么你宁愿选择不相信我

愛我別走

那個感覺，

有回來了。

我好累。
真的好累。

some scars still hurt even after they heal.