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24/9/2024

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8/12/2024

30/12/2024

6/1/2025

I got married. 

I feel happy.

But at the same time,

I don't feel like I deserve to be happy.

I feel like I have not yet paid for what I have done.

For leaving you all those years.

For not being there for you when you needed me most.

For being alive.

There's always a voice in my head telling me that I don't deserve any of this.

Maybe I don't really deserve this.

Maybe I should just leave.

最好是有絕症.

有辦法醫也不會.

I never considered myself to be strong willed.

Always putting up a false front to not let anyone else worry.

But yet there are times it just falls off.

There are far too many times that i just cant help it but break down.

There are even more times that i just contemplate killing myself.

I'm not sure how much longer i can keep it up.

False tears can only hurt others. False smiles can only hurt yourself.

藍大方將可以討論叫我決定,可是如果不是他的要求就不給女兒嫁.那叫什麼討論?

Whatever is keeping me sane is also the cause of my pain.
It is also the person I love the most.
I'm torn. What should I do?
Should I just die?
Give up on trying?
Suck it up and live for their sake, without ever being happy?
I don't know dude.
Everything points to the same solution.
"Just jump off a bridge somewhere."

有时我觉得死掉还是最好的

以后说话小心一点。

最好不要说话。

不说话就没机会说错话。

too mentally stable to die,

too mentally unstable to be happy.

what a dilemma

i will never tell anyone ever again.
this is my burden, and only mine to bear.

i want to die, yet i am too afraid.
i want to be saved, yet i don't deserve it.
maybe i should just start smoking, at least i'll die faster.

everytime a tragedy occurs,

someone close to me, or someone unrelated at all,

this damned feeling comes back to haunt me.

"why did that happen to a person who have done so much good to this world, to so many people,

why cant this shit happen to me instead."

they have so much to live for,

and i am just here waiting for everything to be over.

死掉最好

僕が死のうと思ったのは
曾經我也想過一了百了

Maybe it isn't that I want to die.

Maybe I just don't want to exist.

We're in a world full of people, yet I'm feeling so lonely

If only I could tell myself there's plenty fish in the sea

But see the sea if full of sharks, fake guppies and greed

And as I find myself drowning while I'm fighting to breathe

还是死掉算了

如果有一天，

我有了絕症，

我肯定是這世界唯一一個覺得開心的人。

It has been a while since i had this feeling,

or should I say it has been a while since i wrote about this feeling,

this god damn feeling of defeat, helplessness.

I'm not even going to be self conceited and say I have depression cause I know there are others out there that have it worse than me. 

But everyday I'm here thinking do i deserve to stay alive?

愛得不離不捨
和愛得不理不睬
差別好大