让人让够了。

 death is probably the only release

In the end. There is no give and take. There will be a majority only taking and some poor bloke stuck giving. This happens every where. 

 死掉就好。

Re-watching 1N2D S3 reminds me of why I have such fondness for this show. Especially for KJH.

This show carried me through one of the roughest times of my life.

This is also why KJH's passing was so hard for me till this day.

It was them that carried me through my depression phase.

It was this laughter and ridiculousness that reminds me that life does not have to be so grim.

And yet such a person passed so early.

Life is never fair. This is one of those times that I truly feel so. 

感觉好像什么都没变过。

还是一样的觉得，

消失最好。

死了更好。

If I had one wish, it would be something that I have decided a long time ago.

It would be something that I have longed, but yet lack the decisiveness to pull it off.

It would be something so taboo that no one speaks about it.

It would be something so simple that everyone will face it sooner or later,

but yet I would prefer to get over it as soon as possible.

It would be as simple as death itself.

新的一年。

又是时候从新评估自己的存在价值。

 永远不明白自己存在的意义.

这世界有许多比我有用,比我有贡献,

可是却永远被命运玩弄.

如果可以,把我的命,换别人更好更幸福的人生,

请问我应该在哪儿签名?

7/12/2020 

1/11/2020

30/10/2020

26/10/2020

1/1/2021

23/1/2021

28/1/2021

14/2/2021

1/3/2021

8/9/2021

2/10/2023

6/12/2023

3/2/2024

6/3/2024

24/9/2024

3/12/2024

8/12/2024

30/12/2024

6/1/2025

I got married. 

I feel happy.

But at the same time,

I don't feel like I deserve to be happy.

I feel like I have not yet paid for what I have done.

For leaving you all those years.

For not being there for you when you needed me most.

For being alive.

There's always a voice in my head telling me that I don't deserve any of this.

Maybe I don't really deserve this.

Maybe I should just leave.

最好是有絕症.

有辦法醫也不會.

I never considered myself to be strong willed.

Always putting up a false front to not let anyone else worry.

But yet there are times it just falls off.

There are far too many times that i just cant help it but break down.

There are even more times that i just contemplate killing myself.

I'm not sure how much longer i can keep it up.

False tears can only hurt others. False smiles can only hurt yourself.

藍大方將可以討論叫我決定,可是如果不是他的要求就不給女兒嫁.那叫什麼討論?

Whatever is keeping me sane is also the cause of my pain.
It is also the person I love the most.
I'm torn. What should I do?
Should I just die?
Give up on trying?
Suck it up and live for their sake, without ever being happy?
I don't know dude.
Everything points to the same solution.
"Just jump off a bridge somewhere."

有时我觉得死掉还是最好的

以后说话小心一点。

最好不要说话。

不说话就没机会说错话。

too mentally stable to die,

too mentally unstable to be happy.

what a dilemma

i will never tell anyone ever again.
this is my burden, and only mine to bear.

i want to die, yet i am too afraid.
i want to be saved, yet i don't deserve it.
maybe i should just start smoking, at least i'll die faster.