那该死的感觉，
有回来了。
可能从来都没提起过，
可是我一直都很明白自己的忧郁和自杀念头是从哪里来。
不是你，而是那该死的无助感。
只是在很巧合的情况下，
你就是我无助感的最大来源。

I should just die

昨晚又哭了。

73617665206d65

Is this the happy ending i dreamt about?
Or is this just another dream, another illusion?
I've am always grateful that you are here with me,
but yet the same problems plagued my mind every day, every minute, every second.
Am i really happy?
Do i deserve to be happy?
Everyday i ask the same questions, and arrive at the same answers.
Am i really happy? Yes
Do i deserve to be happy? No

对不起，总是把烦恼来在你身上。
其实我懂，你对我很好。
我最不能原谅的，只不过是我自己。
不能原谅，当年丢下你不管，
当年你最需要我的时候，我不在。
对不起，我最不应该，在你爸走的时候，
我却什么都做不到，帮不到，不在你身边支持你。

If only you knew.
If only i would make up my mind, and leave for good.
If only i would just drop dead.

是我的錯
是我不好
是我的錯
是我不好

对不起，

可是那不祥的感觉，

又回来了。

对不起。

真的很抱歉。

恐怕有黄牛了。

很想就离开。

Should've stayed. Were there signs I ignored?
Can I help you not to hurt anymore?
We saw brilliance when the world was asleep.
There are things that we can have but can't keep.

If they say,

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker.
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.

The reminders pull the floor from your feet.
In the kitchen one more chair than you need.
Oh.
And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair.
Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

If they say,

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker.
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.
Well, I do.

- One More Light, Linkin Park

Fake tears hurt the ones closest to you,
but fake smiles only hurt yourself.

琪，
无论发生什么是，你只需要知道，
这是我的选择，无论发生什么是，
过了多久，我都依然是爱着你的。
当你遇到一个对你更好的人，
不用想起我。因为，只要是能让你开心的，
我也会开心地接受。

哈哈

對不起。很多東西讓你知道反而只會傷你更深。
這一切的一切，都有我承擔就好。
你好，就好。

I'm going to tell u a secret but just promise me keep it to yourself. Ever since around two years ago I already decided today is going to be my last day. I've thought of everything, how will it end, when will it end, where will it end. It isn't easy up till now. I've written my last words from 2015, and kept it in my mind since then. Yes, I am probably having depression, but I don't need pity or anything. I am thinking very logical and clearly even since back then. Life is just too hard. It might get easier you might say, but will it? How'd you know? People would be sad if I m gone? I honestly doubt it. I won't know till I'm actually gone. Yeah. I'm not sure what  going to do next. I have no plans from this day on. The reason I am telling you is not to burden you, but you are my best and longest friend, probably closer to me than alot of people I've met. If anything happens to me I think you should know first.

好希望能好像戲這樣，
死去的時候，
所有和我有關的記憶，
也會隨著消失。

剩下少過一個月了。
一九九二年二月二十五，
至二零一七年二月二十五。

回到家給父母射，
到女友家被他折磨。
唯一不會痛苦的方法，
就是離開這個世界。

Living in constant fear of losing you.
Living in constant fear of giving up.
I can't hold on much longer.
Somebody please save me.

剩下兩個月了

我覺得我生命的結局，
越來越接近了。
遺書寫好了，
自殺方式想好了，
跳的地點也想好了，
還欠什麼嗎？

好久好久以前，
已經學會用笑容來掩飾委屈，
所有的感情都不放在臉上。