僕が死のうと思ったのは
曾經我也想過一了百了

Maybe it isn't that I want to die.

Maybe I just don't want to exist.

We're in a world full of people, yet I'm feeling so lonely

If only I could tell myself there's plenty fish in the sea

But see the sea if full of sharks, fake guppies and greed

And as I find myself drowning while I'm fighting to breathe

还是死掉算了

如果有一天，

我有了絕症，

我肯定是這世界唯一一個覺得開心的人。

It has been a while since i had this feeling,

or should I say it has been a while since i wrote about this feeling,

this god damn feeling of defeat, helplessness.

I'm not even going to be self conceited and say I have depression cause I know there are others out there that have it worse than me. 

But everyday I'm here thinking do i deserve to stay alive?

愛得不離不捨
和愛得不理不睬
差別好大

那该死的感觉，
有回来了。
可能从来都没提起过，
可是我一直都很明白自己的忧郁和自杀念头是从哪里来。
不是你，而是那该死的无助感。
只是在很巧合的情况下，
你就是我无助感的最大来源。

I should just die

昨晚又哭了。

73617665206d65

Is this the happy ending i dreamt about?
Or is this just another dream, another illusion?
I've am always grateful that you are here with me,
but yet the same problems plagued my mind every day, every minute, every second.
Am i really happy?
Do i deserve to be happy?
Everyday i ask the same questions, and arrive at the same answers.
Am i really happy? Yes
Do i deserve to be happy? No

对不起，总是把烦恼来在你身上。
其实我懂，你对我很好。
我最不能原谅的，只不过是我自己。
不能原谅，当年丢下你不管，
当年你最需要我的时候，我不在。
对不起，我最不应该，在你爸走的时候，
我却什么都做不到，帮不到，不在你身边支持你。

If only you knew.
If only i would make up my mind, and leave for good.
If only i would just drop dead.

是我的錯
是我不好
是我的錯
是我不好

对不起，

可是那不祥的感觉，

又回来了。

对不起。

真的很抱歉。

恐怕有黄牛了。

很想就离开。

Should've stayed. Were there signs I ignored?
Can I help you not to hurt anymore?
We saw brilliance when the world was asleep.
There are things that we can have but can't keep.

If they say,

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker.
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.

The reminders pull the floor from your feet.
In the kitchen one more chair than you need.
Oh.
And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair.
Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

If they say,

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker.
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.
Well, I do.

- One More Light, Linkin Park

Fake tears hurt the ones closest to you,
but fake smiles only hurt yourself.

琪，
无论发生什么是，你只需要知道，
这是我的选择，无论发生什么是，
过了多久，我都依然是爱着你的。
当你遇到一个对你更好的人，
不用想起我。因为，只要是能让你开心的，
我也会开心地接受。

哈哈

對不起。很多東西讓你知道反而只會傷你更深。
這一切的一切，都有我承擔就好。
你好，就好。

I'm going to tell u a secret but just promise me keep it to yourself. Ever since around two years ago I already decided today is going to be my last day. I've thought of everything, how will it end, when will it end, where will it end. It isn't easy up till now. I've written my last words from 2015, and kept it in my mind since then. Yes, I am probably having depression, but I don't need pity or anything. I am thinking very logical and clearly even since back then. Life is just too hard. It might get easier you might say, but will it? How'd you know? People would be sad if I m gone? I honestly doubt it. I won't know till I'm actually gone. Yeah. I'm not sure what  going to do next. I have no plans from this day on. The reason I am telling you is not to burden you, but you are my best and longest friend, probably closer to me than alot of people I've met. If anything happens to me I think you should know first.